Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Oh, I may not have a fancy degree from TV & Intellectualocity University...

...but I have 10+ years in Soap Opera Studies, and while some may claim that isn't applicable to all televisual studies, here's what it has taught me: if a guy's answer to the direct question "Do you love her?" is "[stammer] [deny] [blah words] [more stammering] [conspicuous silence]," then he is in love with her. 

So, other folks recap-blogging LOCI who presented this in a straightforward "Goren says Eames is like a sister, and that is clearly true, because why would anyone on a procedural show have actual hu-man emotions for another character as a result of years of established history, rather than conveniently created sexual tension readily dusted off and used as a ploy" way, I ask you: why wouldn't he admit, easily and comfortably, "Yes, I love her...like a sister?" Hmm? HMM?

You'd think some people hadn't watched scads of soaps and WB "dramas" in their youth. Honestly.


Monday, June 6, 2011

Rewatching Glee season 1/LOCI

I am now writing this blog in Arial. Because I figured out that I could switch the default font from Times New Roman. Only took four months! Thanks, Clippy!

Let's tackle the last bit of the subject line first:

So basically Goren loves Eames. And I just looked up the whole Princess Bride thing about "As you wish." That's what last night's ep reduced me to: wanting to make those Tumblr Cheezburger graphics out of about a bajillion screencaps.

Paula: So she's like a sister to you. It's important to you for me to know that there aren't any romantic possibilities between the two of you, isn't it?

Goren:  I don't get it! I mean, you know. What? A man can't have...a working friendship with his partner? I mean, it has to be more than that?

Paula: That's not my point. I'm wondering if you think romantic feelings for someone you admire and respect are at odds.

Goren: [no answer]

NO ANSWER. YOU ARE KILLING ME INSIDE, GOREN!

Also, please note for the record: I do not have to eat a hat. Because this all totally happened. I didn't make it up at all in my crazy brain that has loved this entire idea in a variety of made-upski stories for years.


In Glee season 1 rewatch news, Kate has now fully been exposed to her husband's shaming over this. It should make me feel bad that one of my best friends has suffered ridicule over this show, but surprisingly, I feel relieved that someone understands.

Also: it wasn't as uneven in the beginning. I've seen people mention "the Puck from season 1" or other things like that, and it's pretty much true. For example, I liked Rachel with more of that insecure, immature acting out and the Finn/Rachel romance full of volatile teen hormones and less "staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar-crossed lovers" bologna. They were cute then!

The one universal truth: Kurt/Chris Colfer is totally the cutest. And Terri was a terribly conceived, awfully executed character who caused no end of ridiculous storyline.

8:23 PM Katherine: Her face really does bug when she sings.
8:27 PM me: Her and Criss, I swear.
  ...so...do you want to go see the Glee Live! Concert movie with me in August?
8:28 PM Katherine: Sure
 me: HEE HEE! GROSS!
 Katherine: I know. Don't tell anybody
8:29 PM Will Mark Salling be there? Can I ogle his biceps?
 me: Yes: according to Sara, he does a number with Zises (or whatever: the big girl with the glasses).
  So: yes.
 Katherine: Awesome  Whoops. I told.

Monday, May 30, 2011

In honor of Matthew Ashford's return to DOOL (I guess)

The cover of this now-defunct magazine changed my life.

It was waiting in the mailbox for me one day because, I believe, I had a letter to a character printed in an issue (it was to Cal Winters; I believe the jist of my letter was "Why are you still pining for Diana Colville [ed note.: that was Genie Francis's character before she returned to GH for the umpteenth time] when you could be pursuing Kimberly Brady?" Well, my dreams were answered, and then to get rid of or recast the character, Cal Winters turned into a stalker and a murderer).

In 1990, I was 13 years old. I was videotaping (or "VCRing") DOOL every single day at this point. The Internet was a marshmallow cloud in Al Gore's mind, so fanfiction wasn't readily accessible (I get that there were 'zines and all that; please don't educate me on the history of fanfic).

The cover of this magazine was my fanfic. It was confirmation that someday, Emilio would be a distant memory, and Jack and Jen would fill at least four days a week with their nonstop bantering. My teeny just-teenaged imagination could not fathom the adventures they would have: Jack kidnapping Jennifer from her wedding to Emilio; uncovering the mystery of Patch's first wife, Marina Toscano (played by the stunning Lynda Carter-esque Hunter Tylo), and her hidden-away sister, Isabella, and stirring the ire of Victor Kiriakis; kissing in the secret passageway in Patch and Kayla's house; going on the Cruise of Deception, which was like a multichapter fic where nothing but sex and romance happened on a deserted island!

Jack and Jen tangoed. They tangoed!

I have popped in and out of DOOL over the past 20 years (ohmygodohmygodsooldsoold): my college roommates were enamored with the stupid and horrible Marlena possession years and the subsequent Hope is Princess Gina bullshit; I had a flare-up of affection for Sami and Lucas; I returned when Stephen Nichols and Mary Beth Evans were reunited. And I'm the kind of stooge who returns every single time Matthew Ashford comes back (and dies...and is murdered...and dies again).

I'm older now and realize that Jennifer's bangs were way too big and that Matthew Ashford can come across as incredibly smarmy, but in teenage bedroom in my heart, taped to the cotton-candy pink wall, is the cover of that magazine and with it is preserved the little flush of joy I feel at the promise of two imaginary characters about to embark on romance and shenanigans.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Classic/Crap: Bad Day at Black Rock/Predators

This latest attempt at a feature was born out of blahmanda's initial idea for herself that she would attempt to watch the contents of her DVR in chronological order, focusing on all the movies she recorded in good faith, saved in good faith, but is likely to keep until humans undergo their next evolutionary change (I hope our vestigal tails grow back so we can more easily reach and grab).

Then I turned my critical eye to my Netflix queue, examining what lack of attention and a tendency to clickclickclick on suggestions but not really sort them, and I mentioned to Amanda that I was considering applying her basic idea: freezing my queue as-is and trying to tackle it, poor organization and all, and blog-a-booing about it.

What she suggested a few weeks later is what we both settled on: we would Netflix one classic film (or, at the very least, one pre-1970s film) and one garbage film (of which we are both enthusiastic consumers) and watch both in a synched-up, Gchat style.

What is funnyish about this all is that I don't think it was either of our intentions to select two films that shared similarities. After all, Amanda suggested Spencer Tracy's post-Adam's Rib, pre-Guess Who's Coming to Dinner film, Bad Day at Black Rock, without, I imagine, knowing much about it beyond the general description: a WWII veteran with one good arm conspicuously but unassumingly dismounts a train one day in a dying gold mining town and stumbles into an environment of barely contained paranoia and violence.

Predators, as we all know, is about Predators. Predators live in jungle environments, look like bipedal pig-sandworms with dreadlocks (or Manny Ramirez), and hunt b-list movie stars of varying degrees of talent. But Amanda said it best: Amanda: So what are all the Predator movies? You gotcher Predator, yer Predator 2: Predator in the City, yer Alien vs. Predator, yer Predators, yer AVP: Requiem...
That's a lot considering Predators are actually not that interesting! Nevertheless, the movies did share some basic themes that made the end-of-the-road comparison last night fun:

1) The heroes are unconventional
Bad Day at Black Rock's John J. Macreedy is "handiCAPABLE!" (according to Amanda), deliberate, and unflappable in the face of increasing threats against his person and his life. He's also played by Spencer Tracy, which means he's square and blocky in that Giants of Ireland way, suggesting he's better at eating potatoes and sitting on a barstool than solving mysteries and fighting dudes half his age.

Predators's Royce is an [insert some official-sounding military nonsense to which neither Amanda nor myself paid the slightest bit of attention] and talks like Brody saw Batman Begins and The Dark Knight the day before shooting started and thought it'd be pretty cool to use a scratchy voice as a character trait. Much like Han Solo or poor man's Han Solo, Mal Reynolds, Royce has a cynical, blackened heart (unless a lady is involved), a vaguely European accent that pops up from time to time, and a beak the size of Toucan Sam's. Not exactly your average cruddy action movie white hat
The difference lies in the condition each of them are in by film's end:
Macreedy:
10:17 PM me: I love how you described him as being so rumpled and dusty; it's so true and it wasn't treated as a Columbo-like deceit or anything.
10:20 PM Amanda: I loved how the wardrobe really marked him as an outsider. The dark suit and brown hat. Never has anyone been less dressed for the desert.

Royce:
10:32 PM Amanda: Hahaha! It was definitely necessary for him to take off his shirt! [Ed note. That's sarcasm: there wasn't even the excuse of covering himself in mud to drop his temp, making it hard for Predator's Heatvision to locate him...or if that was the intent, he smeared that mud real half-heartedly]
10:33 PM me: HEE!
2) The movie is largely supported by character actors
In Black Rock, you had:
  1. Lee Marvin ("Lee Marvin was the Ron Perlman of the fifties!" Amanda joked after I observed that he looked eerily like RPerl; I didn't recognize Lee)
  2. Ernest Borgnine, who was effective as a gleefully malevolent, googly-eyed bully
  3. Walter Brennan ("He really talked like that!" - Amanda again) as the town doctor, a rocking-chair philosopher who is the first to see Macreedy as the town's hope and savior
  4. Handsome-wormy Robert Ryan as town despot Reno Smith
  5. Long-before Throw Mama From the Train Anne Francis as the Pretty Tough and Pretty, Tough Girl
  6. Along with lesser-known folks like Dean Jagger (IMDb tells me he was The Major General from White Christmas; awww, we'll follow the old man wherever he wants to go...unless he's bootless, incompetent, drunk, and spineless) and that kid who played the desk clerk who didn't look remotely familiar.
In Predators, you had:
  1. Danny Trejo (surprisingly, spoiler alert, and assume spoilers from now on, the first to bite it!)
  2. Walton Goggins as a NON-Southern degenerate who alternated between panicked and charmingly (or straight-up) disgusting
  3. Topher Grace (mild-mannered...or is he?!?!?! Spoiler alert: he wasn't)
  4. "Mahershabazalabshazhalikishabwbaka Ali" (the black guy who died second; "Progress!" according to Amanda)
  5. Oleg Taktarov, star of Rollerball, I guess
  6. Alice Braga as The Pretty Tough and Pretty, Tough Girl
  7. Louis Ozawa Changchien as a Yakuza fellow who had a sword and was tattooed
  8. And, covered in pineapple rings and glazed with Method, Sir Laurence Fishburne...
9:53 PM me: He's like the intense, Shakespearean Fred Sanford.
9:54 PM Amanda: HAAAA!
He is certainly making some choices.
9:55 PM me: It's like he saw Ralph Fiennes in "Spider" and thought "I'd like to do that, but in a cruddy action-monster movie."
3) There is an evil being fought
In Black Rock, that evil was xenophobia, cowardice, and a regime comprised of ignorance, small-time, bad-neighbor criminal enterprise, fearful silence, and willful blindness: Robert Ryan's Reno Smith, after conspiring to cheat a Japanese-American farmer by renting him what he considered unfarmable land, heads out with some "friends" to have "fun," only to burn the farmer's house (and the man, for a while) and shoot and murder him.

Macreedy dismounts the train to award the farmer his son's military medal for saving Macreedy's life but finds himself the rumpled, dusty symbol of what is truly right and American: freeing the townspeople from the oppression of a petty criminal turned warlord and uncovering the crimes committed so justice can be served. He does so with a single-minded, quiet will, only raising his hand once (and boy, it's awesome when he does).

In Predators, the evil was Predators. As mentioned before, alien monsters that look like worm-pigs with dreadlocks. Oh, sure, there were several kinds, as Amanda discovered when watching the credits ("Berserker Predator, Tracker Predator, Original Predator, and Falconer Predator"; collect 'em all, kids!), but, you know, basically kind of the same (and that is not a xenophobic statement).

I guess at one point, the evil Royce and Isabelle battle is Topher Grace, whose Justin-Long spastic, barely-believable doctor cover melts away at a convenient point to reveal that "[he] is what you call A Dexter" (Amanda again), who believes this planet full of pig-worms is a Paradise for serial killers. You can imagine how that goes: Royce handily stabinates him and uses his bloody, weakened body as bait to kaboom! a Predator.
Try as I might, I can't make this a haunting allegory to our past or current state of American affairs.
***
I think Amanda and I agreed on both films for the most part:
Amanda: So, overall, which movie did we enjoy more?
11:10 PM me: I'd say "Bad Day at Black Rock." Overall, I liked Spencer Tracy coolly assessing over pkew pkew shirtless Adrien Brody.
11:11 PM Amanda: I would have to agree.
me: Not to judge each film by their heroes alone or anything.
Amanda: I think that Bad Day at Black Rock, while lacking Falconer Predators, had a better script overall.

I think the things we didn't agree on were minimal at best. In Black Rock:
9:05 PM me: This one-size-fits-all, full-orchestra score is driving me a little crackers; it doesn't fit the rest of the movie.
9:09 PM Amanda: It's very fifites. It's kind of working for me. It's more forceful than the visual elements, so it adds punctuation. Nice sense of foreboding.
Except I had to turn the volume way up to hear the dialogue and now the score is too loud.
In Predators:
10:36 PM Amanda: I have seen fic for this pairing [Royce/Isabelle]. Not gonna lie: I would read it.
10:37 PM me: Oh, boy.
10:38 PM You are such a sucker for an action hero.
And we both agreed on one thing: neither of us had the time, energy, and/or interest in tackling the gender issues of either film:

11:12 PM me: And Alice Braga didn't girly-run, at least.
Amanda: Oh, boy, should we talk about how Anne Francis was the only woman in [Bad Rock] and the only character to end up dead? Or should we noooouugggghhhh
11:13 PM me: I vote latterrrrruggh.
Hee hee.
So anyway, there were some fine moments, though I have to admit that the most fun was when we got off-track:
11:18 PM Amanda: Oh, A Guy Named Joe is on TCM right now if I feel like more Spencer Tracy. I've seen it, though, and I don't know that I need to see that more than once. Although I've seen Always more than once (also unneeded).
11:20 PM me: I was thinking of retiring to try and start one of my new books; I know I'll only get a few pages in before I zonk out, but I figure it's worth the effort.
11:21 PM Amanda: I just switched to Soapnet for a minute. Did you know Kin Shriner is on Y&R?
me: (I will probably give up and turn on the movie channel...
Amanda: Reading books! There's an idea.
me: Whoa, whoa, just got the Kin Shriner alert.
No, I did NOT know that.
Has he gotten hideous plastic surgery, or is he still smugly handsome as ever?
11:22 PM Amanda: I only saw him for a second. He might have some hair tomfoolery going on.
me: Well, I always forgive Jon Lindstrom for that.
11:23 PM Amanda: Hahaha! Victoria: "You read your mom's blog, didn't you?"
11:24 PM I'm sure Lauren and Phyllis (they have real names I guess) have had toooons of work done, but they don't look horrifying like whatsherface on B&B.
When a temporary Royce/bait Original Predator formed an alliance:
10:23 PM me: This is like the one episode of TNG where they saved the young Borg and Georgi named him Hugh and then Hugh became a resistance fighter.
10:24 PM Only this is Predators.
Amanda: "I, Borg"
Was the name of that
me: I think so!
Because "Hugh" was from the li'l Borg misunderstanding the pronoun "you."
(And now I see that Amanda was telling me, not guessing at the title, like I would have. Doy.)
And we got to get our film nerd on from time to time:
Black Rock:
10:43 PM Amanda: I love mid-century socially conscious earnestness, myself.
10:44 PM Some interesting stuff in Ryan's imdb bio
10:48 PM It's interesting to watch Crossfire, which is a noir about antisemitism, while keeping in mind that the novel it was based on was about homophobia.
10:49 PM Hey, also, how about that Cinemascope?
me: I know it's a dumb cliche but they really don't make movies like that anymore.
10:50 PM That shot of the windmill made me think for a little bit if anyone did that kind of non-clunky silent atmosphere setting without being a bunch of sarcastic goofs (Coen Brothers). I couldn't think right off the top of my head.
10:52 PM Amanda: I had something about the town and "dessicated humanity" but I lost it.
10:53 PM imdb trivia: "The suit that Tracy wears throughout the film was bought by him off the rack, at his insistence." Awesome.
10:54 PM The sign behind the hotel desk is a quote from English evangelist John Wesley: "Do all the good you can, By all the means you can, In all the ways you can, In all the places you can, At all the times you can, To all the people you can, As long as ever you can."
me: Wow, I didn't even notice that once.
10:57 PM Speaking of socially conscious movies from that era and Spencer Tracy: I could watch "Inherit the Wind" again. Probably right now if I had it.
11:00 PM Amanda: Oh, yeah, I haven't seen that in years.
This also made me want to rewatch High Noon.
me: Which I have never seen. I always meant to. That and "Shane."
11:01 PM Amanda: You know, you mentioned the Coen Brothers, and I think they are the closest thing around today to the kind of suspense that was in our feature tonight.
I guess "style" is a more precise word than the mushy "kind."
Predators:
10:16 PM Amanda: Poetic.
10:17 PM With the waving grass it was almost as if Terence Malick directed that Japanese-mobster-swordfights-alien-monster scene,
10:18 PM me: HA!
"The Thin Predator Line"
So I had fun. We haven't discussed options for the next go-round, but it was thrown out there that neither of us have seen Shane.
Until then, please consider Amanda's ideas for next year's Yuletide exchange:
11:14 PM me:I have a feeling that Ernest Borgnine's character and Walton Goggins's character would have had a lot to talk about (you know, in a crossover AU).
Amanda: YULETIDE!
me: Those would be the BEST requests.
11:15 PM Amanda: Can Macreedy survive the Predator planet even though he's old and he only has one arm?
me: HEE!
Amanda: SHAME ON YOU, PREDATORS!
And PS if you think of a better name for this series than my lazy tribute to Face/Off, please feel free to suggest it in comments.

Corrections courtesy of Amanda: "Doc was the town undertaker (I
guess they called him "Doc" ironically?); you're thinking of Anne Ramsey
from TMFTT (that's what the kids call it at their TMFTT conventions
[MommaCon]). The lovely Anne Francis was Honey West, and spent the 70s
and 80s appearing in tv movies and Murders, She Wrote."

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Glee 2xwhatever, "Funeral"

Around 1998 or 1999--good Lord, that was over 10 years ago; argh, I'm so old!--I went to Patch Adams at the Eau Claire Budget Theatre with a few of my then-college roommates. I remember feeling my impatience and resentment growing with each passing moment of pandering and blatant emotional string-pulling. By the time the film reached the--spoiler alert, and suck it, because count yourself lucky if, by this point in your blessed and peaceful life, you have not watch the shitheap that is Patch Adams--point where Patch Adams's Girlfriend was murdered, I was furious, especially at myself as tears welled in my eyes. I was falling prey to the movie's manipulation all while totally conscious of and valiantly fighting it.

I think we even went on $1 Tuesday, which made it even more insulting. Jesus, if you can't even be passable for a dollar to a college student who had watched Titanic SIX TIMES in the theater...

The whole point of this story is that last night's Glee was the Patch Adams of Television.

I briefly considered doing some LOL screencaps and bitching about it, but my resentment reached a point where I was like, "Shit, this was basically free, man [argument about effects of marketing and advertising here]. Do you want to spend any more time thinking about how aggravating the umpteenth adjustment to Sue Sylvester's character was, all the more so because it was laziest possible way to ditch a storyline they didn't even need? Do you want to talk about how Jonathan Groff makes the corpse Orville Redenbacher look like a spring chicken? Do you want to gnash your verbal teeth over Rachel and Finn and Quinn and that particular merry-go-round of horseshit?"

No. No, I do not.

Instead, here's a picture of Kurt being cute:
To quote Kelly Kapoor: "Honestly, that show is just--it's irresponsible."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Well, it's not like he's the Crypt Keeper, but even Judd Nelson looked more like he belonged in high school


It's pretty funny that this week's Glee ep referenced a John Hughes movie, since from what I recall of movie trivia, a lot of the Hughesian cast members were well clear of their teens when stepping into roles in The Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, and Ferris Bueller's Day Off (if I were a little less lazy, I'd look up examples, but screw that noise).

Because Johnathan Groff looks about as much like a teenager as Ian Ziering did in the first season of 90210. In fact...


...with the Charles Nelson Reilly neckerchief, he looks almost as much like a teenager as Charles Nelson Reilly.

But I guess some of the girl and guy theater nerds love him. Even if he is the Crypt Keeper's feisty young nephew.

Prom! I mostly liked "Friday" (the various shots of the cast dancing and enjoying the song cracked me up, particularly Santana and Karofsky) and the weightier Kurt and Karofsky scenes. It's nice to have someone who can keep up with Colfer, acting-wise.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Are we to the point where we can all agree they are secretly married?

If one of the topics in his department-mandated therapy sessions isn't his Feeeeeeelings about Eames, I'll eat a hat.*

My favorite bit was the arm along the back of Eames's chair. I know you're in the kitchen, Goren, but that doesn't mean you're at home with your wife-partner.

*Like a little one, like the Monopoly piece. Not one of those Kentucky Derby, Lucy-Coe-married-Alan-Quartermaine numbers.