Airport Novel Theatre: "Good Morning, Killer" on TNT

Initially when I saw the title to this latest chapter in "I left this book at our beach rental" (TM blahmanda) adaptations, all I could think about was the song from Hair:

I should stress that I like to think about the music from Hair as little as possible. My friend Kate and I watched the film adaptation when I was in the midst of a crush on Dr. Andy Brown aka Treat Williams, and it was, in my humble opinion, the worst. I was clearly the absolutely wrong audience as an individual who likes musical theatre big and old-fashioned and cheesy or, like, Les Mis.

Although I very much like the version from the X-Files/Simpsons crossover:

Then blahmanda called it Good Morning Comma Killer... which made me think of a much more enjoyable song:

But this post isn't meant to be about songs or Treat Williams or hilarious things blahmanda says (actually, that's not a bad idea...). This is about Good Morning, Killer. Like the TNT Mystery Movies before it, it was not very good. But it found unique ways to be subpar. Kudos, TNT Mystery Movies!

Catherine Bell, an actress I am not familiar with as I have somehow managed to live my tv-watching life without catching more than 3 minutes of JAG, plays FBI Agent Ana Gray. Ana Gray is no-nonsense and tough, much like Carla Gugino's character, Carla Gugino, in Hide. However, we see more of Ana's vulnerable side as she bonds with victims and is alone in a parking lot in an excerpt from a horror movie and having weird power issues in her sexytimes with Cole Hauser.

Cole Hauser. A name I should recognize, I suppose, because he was on ER for a while. But I draw a blank every time that guy shows up in something. And for some weirdo reason, I always wonder, when I see his name, "Was he the super-hot guy from Terminator and The Abyss?" Answer: no. That is Michael Biehn. Michael Biehn is older, not blond, and looks completely different. So...not sure where that comes from.

Anyway, Cole Hauser plays Detective Andrew, whom Ana's partner sarcastically refers to as The Santa Monica Cowboy. Ana and Andrew are Doing It. But I guess they haven't defined their relationship, according to a scene where, spoiler alert, it is implied that Andrew is Doing It with some other lady. Also, Ana and Andrew have sexytime problems where maybe they sometimes have "rough sex" (as defined by the premiere source for sex information, Silent Witness, this is when you do a lady from behind...though it did not seem like there was choking involved) and that it isn't a great idea because Ana has head problems from the horrors of her job...maybe. I don't know. I'm not 100% confident in my interpretation.

Here's where the movie is bad (and I know I haven't even gotten to the main crime part of the movie, but honestly: do you care?): it presents characters and information with a degree of trust in the audience to draw conclusions/be intelligent, but it does so in such a vague, incomplete way that it just makes things more confusing. I mean, let's be honest: as much as I complain about how paint-by-numbers these adaptations are, they're based on serial novels. There's going to be a degree of exposition and repetition. Since the movie didn't use its big-kid exposition, I'm still not sure why Ana had intimacy issues, or if Andrew was truly cheating or just being uncommunicative, or if I was supposed to assume they were still together despite their discussion or... et cetera.

The same thing happens with Ana and her relationship with her partner, Mike Donato, played by Titus Welliver. Holy buckets, Titus Welliver. Anyway, it's revealed 2/3 of the way through the movie that maybe Mike and Ana were also Doing It at some point in the past, either while he was married or separated or all of the above or none of the above or et cetera. And I guess my (somewhat off-topic) question there would be: if you were Doing It with Titus Welliver, how did you ever stop, Ana Gray? Were I in your no-nonsense yet vulnerable shoes, I would be waiting at home for Titus Welliver every single day in my most alluring pajama pants. I mean, even when he was wearing a jean jacket, which men should never do unless they are gay cowboy Ennis Del Mar or truck-drivin', orangutan-buddyin' Clint Eastwood, I was thinking, "Boy, I sure like Titus Welliver, and he makes me feel like a natural woman, even though he is still wearing a jean jacket."

I cannot stress how much I would like to make out+more with Titus Welliver, in a hypothetical world. I like him a whole lot. Especially when he carries a gun, as he did in this movie.

Soooooooo to get back to ripping on the movie: my complaint about the lackadaisical attention to detail or character development extends to the crime at the center of this movie too: we have a bunch of FBI agents and cops and profilers--many of whom are introduced for three scenes, then disappear, adding to the "This is like real life! We trust you, audience!" slapdash feel--but we're never given any insight into why the dude they're chasing does what he does. We know he's former military. We know he chokes girls and rapes them and that the girls have a very specific look (youngish, brunette, white). But didn't Silence of the Lambs teach every maker of a suspense movie about a sociopath that we need the scene where the agent displays the understanding of what makes the sociopath tick? That does not happen at any point. In fact, the movie introduces a bunch of detail dots that are never connected. What's with his attachment to his sister? Are we supposed to draw gross conclusions from that or empathize? What was with the weird relationship with his girlfriend and her daughter? That was never really resolved, was it? Why does he say "You'll never forget me?" I don't accept the answer that it is a message for the world. That is stupid. Why did he decide to go camping for a while? Was it because he had returned the girl? Why does he make his victims call their mothers? Was he abused by his mom? Is he simply a sadist? What was with the use of "ritual" about 40 times in the last 30 minutes of the movie?

So many questions.

Also, because I am your grandmother, I am going to complain that it was really super graphic and upsetting. Did we need to see so many of those creepy rape photos? I mean, I got the idea after the first two or three. There was a montage at the end, intended, I suppose, to let us know that Ana Gray was being overwhelmed with horrors while trying to think on her feet and save a girl from being raped. But...I'm not going to write a letter or anything, but yuck. And why was the post-return examination of the victim scene so fucking long? It made me squirmy, not in a The Accused way, where I felt upset by the clinical and detached treatment of the victim in a claustrophobic, real-life way, but in a "This is weird and not very well structured or acted" way.

The movie ends with Ana and the victim she bonded with (and I apologize for completely glossing over the oddly developed storyline where we hang out with the victim's parents who fight and are weirdly uncooperative, but that turns out to be nothing) swimming. Water is a metaphor for baptism and rebirth. FYI. In case you didn't take a 300-level lit course. You're welcome.

In conclusion, Titus Welliver makes my heart palpitate, even when his flirting is supposed to be unprofessional and in bad taste. I like him and wish he were the lead in a tv show where he was stoic and near-mute and carried a gun, like Timothy Olyphant.

Also: don't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever trust semi-professional photographers. They are probably rapists.

Next TNT Mystery Movie stars Kathy Najimy. I sense wackiness ahead.