Adventures in The Talkies: Super 8

On the advice of my good friend Duse, I went to see Super 8 this afternoon. Actually, I intended to see the screening of the New York Philharmonic's staging of Stephen Sondheim's Company, but apparently I am not the only one in Chicago who enjoys musical theater, because that shit was sold out.

But Super 8 was as good as Duse said, and it reminded me of the second time I saw ET (not the first, because at age 5, I announced to the entire theater that ET looked like poop): how much I believed in the kids in the story and the way they talked to (mostly teased) each other and liked how their families seemed for-real and their town seemed like my town and how terrifying the government and military seems.

I liked the score and the group of friends and Elle Fanning as the accessibly pretty girl and that Michael Hitchcock turned up on the county sheriff's team and...well, I don't know that I liked how Ron Eldard seemed like he wandered into a time machine from his Sleepers performance, but it's nice that he's still working. I also liked that the costume department put Kyle Chandler in a white tee shirt. Kudos to you fine people.

Anyway: fun times. No one sang "Ladies Who Lunch" or "Being Alive," but you can't have it all.

But the most important part of this experience was seeing the trailers before this film. I usually assume that the trailers are specifically handpicked to appeal to the individuals seeing the main feature. If that is the case, then I, the moviegoer, will be chomping at the bit to see:
1) Horrible Bosses, which looks like something I'll probably watch on Comedy Central two or three years from now on a Saturday afternoon.
2) Rise of the Planet of the Apes: you know, I don't even know how to approach this. I saw the Burton remake of Planet of the Apes in the theater, what, 15 years ago? I didn't think that was all that good, but it wasn't necessarily terrible or anything. But this trailer...I don't know what it was about it, but I had to quell waves and waves of laughter that threatened to overcome me throughout the trailer. I swear I wasn't doing my usual MST3K lite riffy thinking either. Just something about the many menacing shots of Andy Serkis in that CGI gorilla suit, and then the huge atomic monkey bomb and the line of silent monkeys like a simian version of The Birds... so weird and How Did This Get Made? looking.
3) Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon Laser Floyd Show: those robots look like tinsel balls. I have never understood, in an aesthetic sense, how and why people enjoy looking at those tinsel-bots. Also: blah blah conspiracy...why do they, and the Pirates franchise, have these weirdo elaborate plots? Pkew! Pkew! Kaboom! Bee-boo-bah-boo-beep robots! See, not so fucking hard, right? Why does Neil Armstrong have to be there? When my brothers and I played Optimus Prime GI Joe He-Man Fun Time Hour, we never included elaborate retellings of modern history.
4) Captain America: okay, they got me with this one. I was lukewarm initially--Captain America never tripped my trigger back in my cartoon-watching days--but the trailer actually made it seem very cool.
5) The Zookeeper: Jesus, Kevin James.
6) and most importantly, Real Steel: I e-mailed blahmanda my approximation of my internal reaction through the course of the trailer...

15 seconds: "What? Another The Fighter? Already?"
25 seconds: "Robots?"
26 seconds:"Robots?"
30 seconds: "This is a joke trailer right?"
35 seconds to rest of trailer: "Please let the title of this movie be Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots: The Game: The Movie."

No lie and/or exaggeration: when the title credits flew onto the screen, I busted out laughing. I couldn't help it.

The mission statement and values of the Archive of Transformative Baloney

What We Baloney

Crafted with care, thoughtfulness, and artistic blah-de-blah by jesshelga and blahmanda.

The Archive of Transformative Baloney is a metaphoric storage shed built by The Organization of Madeup-ski Characters Making Out, which was established by  two nerds who believe that fanfiction, fanvideos, and—ew—even fanart, I guess—are fun ways to make the fictional characters that other folks created  suck face or, let’s be honest, Do It. But not in a grody, overdetailed way, and not in a way that “embraces kinks” or forces two canonical straight guys to penetrate each other’s bunholes in a way that sounds painful, frankly. Like, a linear, in-character extension of the playacting we see on the moving picture box or in the cinemas. Sometimes books, if that’s your thing.

Our baloney has a lot of restrictions. We have a waiver requiring your signature on the next page.

We believe that this practice should come with a healthy dose of self-effacing awareness and, sometimes, shame. Because as stated above: made-up shenanigans about fictional characters we didn’t create we are writing about to have them make the sexytimes. We don’t find it empowering or artistic. Usually, we are embarrassed to admit it. We have one or two folks we trust we talk to about fanfic recs in hushed tones, and we most certainly do not talk about it over dinner with our parents.

The Organization of Madeup-ski Characters Making Out (or TOoMCMO, if you like acronyms. Acronyms! So official!) is historically rooted in baloney. Sometimes it has the first name O-S-C-A-R. Sometimes it’s the kind of baloney that is well-meaning and fun and well-written (for something that is about people making out). But believe me: 100% beef baloney.

Also, we are chicks, but not the kind of chicks who have written a thesis paper on “Diving the Wreck.” The kind of chicks who don’t sound awkward calling ourselves “chicks.” We’re smart and sassy, but usually uninterested in engaging in the kind of baloney that ends in earnest, humorless lectures about rape culture.

Anyway, enjoy these stories full of kissing and sometimes adventures and mostly vanilla, non-detailed sex. What is with that anyway? Where women who wrote papers on “Diving the Wreck” like to write about guys shouting “Oh, yeah, fuck my asshole!” And don’t even get me started on trying to reappropriate the “P” word. You know the one I mean. That’s gross, and most of the time, that is only said by porn stars who are told to say that after they’ve done a couple rails of coke.

And for Christ's sake, if you're an adult with a shred of dignity, be a little embarrassed about it. 

Sincerely, 
The Board of Directors Emeritus Honorary Comptrollers, Esquire

The Values Inherent in Our Baloney

1. We value diversity in a reasonable number of combinations. We value all fans, except the dummies, freaks, jerks, and weirdos. We value hanging out, and liking different kinds of stuff, and not being all uptight if we get ragged on about some of it, while seeking to avoid getting offended by things unless they are really fucking terrible.

2. We value baloney, and we don't care if dudes or ladies write these made-up stories. My guess is that a majority of the time, ladies like to write stories about making out. But in the end, we value the kissing and the pkew pkew and the maybe they're married in this one? over the fact that ladies wrote it. Lots of dudes turn up in these made-up baloney stories, after all. We wouldn't want to marginalize their voice in the course of celebrating our baloney, would we? We don't want JM Coetzee to feel compelled to write a story about our baloney storage shed from a dude's point of view, do we? I didn't think so.

3. We value originality, in that we value individuals who can express themselves in the course of talking about fandom or tv or comics or Wagner operas without constant use of whatever term-of-the-moment is hot right now, e.g. IDEK or WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. 

If you quote Firefly more than once a month at this point in the course of expressing delight or disappointment, you shut your mouth. Your baloney has no place here. Devalued. Although we said we valued diversity in #1: learn to speak American or go back to your country of Cutesyfangirlonia.

4. We value the creative process behind baloney, but… you know, be reasonable. If we get the sense that you routinely skip work, weddings, pet feedings, funerals, and other important day-to-day functions and life events in the name of creating baloney… I don’t know, man. We aren’t a not-for-profit founded to provide intervention services, but you may want to look into a hotline. The people at Gamblers Anonymous seem nice.

5. We value making fun of others. It’s not personal, unless it’s one of the rare cases where it is. More than baloney, we value bagging on folks, riffing, and general Dorothy Parker-styled verbal japery and witticisms. Actually, that’s almost as enjoyable as reading and creating baloney.

6. If you have any questions about our mission, or would like to participate in a volunteer capacity, you have probably misunderstood and should maybe re-read all that baloney above.

Oh, I may not have a fancy degree from TV & Intellectualocity University...

...but I have 10+ years in Soap Opera Studies, and while some may claim that isn't applicable to all televisual studies, here's what it has taught me: if a guy's answer to the direct question "Do you love her?" is "[stammer] [deny] [blah words] [more stammering] [conspicuous silence]," then he is in love with her. 

So, other folks recap-blogging LOCI who presented this in a straightforward "Goren says Eames is like a sister, and that is clearly true, because why would anyone on a procedural show have actual hu-man emotions for another character as a result of years of established history, rather than conveniently created sexual tension readily dusted off and used as a ploy" way, I ask you: why wouldn't he admit, easily and comfortably, "Yes, I love her...like a sister?" Hmm? HMM?

You'd think some people hadn't watched scads of soaps and WB "dramas" in their youth. Honestly.

Rewatching Glee season 1/LOCI

I am now writing this blog in Arial. Because I figured out that I could switch the default font from Times New Roman. Only took four months! Thanks, Clippy!

Let's tackle the last bit of the subject line first:

So basically Goren loves Eames. And I just looked up the whole Princess Bride thing about "As you wish." That's what last night's ep reduced me to: wanting to make those Tumblr Cheezburger graphics out of about a bajillion screencaps.

Paula: So she's like a sister to you. It's important to you for me to know that there aren't any romantic possibilities between the two of you, isn't it?

Goren:  I don't get it! I mean, you know. What? A man can't have...a working friendship with his partner? I mean, it has to be more than that?

Paula: That's not my point. I'm wondering if you think romantic feelings for someone you admire and respect are at odds.

Goren: [no answer]

NO ANSWER. YOU ARE KILLING ME INSIDE, GOREN!

Also, please note for the record: I do not have to eat a hat. Because this all totally happened. I didn't make it up at all in my crazy brain that has loved this entire idea in a variety of made-upski stories for years.

---

In Glee season 1 rewatch news, Kate has now fully been exposed to her husband's shaming over this. It should make me feel bad that one of my best friends has suffered ridicule over this show, but surprisingly, I feel relieved that someone understands.

Also: it wasn't as uneven in the beginning. I've seen people mention "the Puck from season 1" or other things like that, and it's pretty much true. For example, I liked Rachel with more of that insecure, immature acting out and the Finn/Rachel romance full of volatile teen hormones and less "staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar-crossed lovers" bologna. They were cute then!

The one universal truth: Kurt/Chris Colfer is totally the cutest. And Terri was a terribly conceived, awfully executed character who caused no end of ridiculous storyline.

8:23 PM Katherine: Her face really does bug when she sings.

8:27 PM me: Her and Criss, I swear.

  ...so...do you want to go see the Glee Live! Concert movie with me in August?

8:28 PM Katherine: Sure

 me: HEE HEE! GROSS!

 Katherine: I know. Don't tell anybody

8:29 PM Will Mark Salling be there? Can I ogle his biceps?

 me: Yes: according to Sara, he does a number with Zises (or whatever: the big girl with the glasses).

  So: yes.

 Katherine: Awesome  Whoops. I told.