Ha ha. Gross.
Anyway, here's my brief review of this film, in numbered list:
- I have yet to see MI:3, but it felt like this latest chapter went back to all the things that made the first film so fun and appealing: teamwork, cool gadgets, multiple locations, kicking, punching, a conspiracy that the screenwriter thought way more about than you ever will.
- Special notice to Tom Cruise: stop taking off your fucking shirt. Look, I'm not being ageist. I love dudes in their 40s and 50s who want to take off their shirts, e.g., Clive Owen and probably Liam Neeson, though I don't really want to see Taken. It's that you look like the lacquered crucified Christ at the Catholic church I used to occasional attend with my grandma in childhood. You look like someone Olde English'ed you real good. You always seem contorted, like you don't believe you can display your muscle definition unless you're doin' the Twizzler. And I'm not calling Jesus gross when I say this but: gross.
- If you want to entertain yourself, you can replace the "Indian Playboy" that Paula Patton has to seduce in One of Those Typical Scenes Where A Lady Has To Seduce An International Horndog with Matt Berry from The IT Crowd. Bonus points if you can imitate the way Matt/Douglas would say "Jennnnnh!"
- I love Simon Pegg. He's always doing something great, whether as the main focus of a scene or in the background.
- Jeremy Renner...I don't know how you do it. Is it your odd, tipsy pronunciation of words? Your stubby-yet-rich eyelashes? Nope, it's probably that bodacious bee-hind, which seems alluring when packed into dress slacks. Dress slacks. I am telling you. Perhaps it is all those things and more. You are stocky poetry in motion, my friend(-with-benefits? Application pending?). I look forward to you as Bourne. Please feel free to take off that shirt. It looks too tight and like it is making it too hot for you.
I really, truly laughed at items 2, 3, and also 4. Looking forward to this movie now. Also co-signing your notice to Mr. Cruise.
ReplyDeleteYou know, The Unusuals is always out there if you're interested in pre-Hurt Locker, cusp-of-fame Jeremy Renner. It was a fun show.
I was thinking about watching the pilot of "The Unusuals" on Netflix Instant Whatnot the other day. I ended up making a different selection--a six-part Masterpiece Contemporary presentation I have no intention of finishing--which I now regret.
DeleteI'm going to have to duck-and-cover if any more "Rock of Ages" trailers pop up while I'm in the theater this summer. That much Cruise chest will make me sick.
Was that the one with Cumberbatch and something about the surveillance state? I tried to watch that on tv and couldn't get through it.
DeleteAlso: that was meant to be "wrestled," not "wrested." I mean, I guess either works okay in that scenario. The point is: Robert Carlyle is, like, four beans tall.
DeleteI read it how you meant it so I must have seen that part, but I honestly don't remember anything about that show except how dull it was. PBS is working with a very loose definition of the word "masterpiece."
DeleteIT TOTALLY WAS! Besides my delight that Robert Carlyle's character wrested Benedict's character in that one scene, which was about the most hilarious display of physics I've witnessed in a Masterpiece production, it was...I don't know, crappy? Is crappy the word I'm looking for? I can't believe they spread out the conspiracy and "Is that girl with the pixie cut who was married to the mathematician's brother up to no good?" over nearly seven hours.
ReplyDeleteAlso: Ha ha ha ha Max Beesley was in 'Glitter!' You can't fool me, show!