The mission statement and values of the Archive of Transformative Baloney

What We Baloney

Crafted with care, thoughtfulness, and artistic blah-de-blah by jesshelga and blahmanda.

The Archive of Transformative Baloney is a metaphoric storage shed built by The Organization of Madeup-ski Characters Making Out, which was established by  two nerds who believe that fanfiction, fanvideos, and—ew—even fanart, I guess—are fun ways to make the fictional characters that other folks created  suck face or, let’s be honest, Do It. But not in a grody, overdetailed way, and not in a way that “embraces kinks” or forces two canonical straight guys to penetrate each other’s bunholes in a way that sounds painful, frankly. Like, a linear, in-character extension of the playacting we see on the moving picture box or in the cinemas. Sometimes books, if that’s your thing.

Our baloney has a lot of restrictions. We have a waiver requiring your signature on the next page.

We believe that this practice should come with a healthy dose of self-effacing awareness and, sometimes, shame. Because as stated above: made-up shenanigans about fictional characters we didn’t create we are writing about to have them make the sexytimes. We don’t find it empowering or artistic. Usually, we are embarrassed to admit it. We have one or two folks we trust we talk to about fanfic recs in hushed tones, and we most certainly do not talk about it over dinner with our parents.

The Organization of Madeup-ski Characters Making Out (or TOoMCMO, if you like acronyms. Acronyms! So official!) is historically rooted in baloney. Sometimes it has the first name O-S-C-A-R. Sometimes it’s the kind of baloney that is well-meaning and fun and well-written (for something that is about people making out). But believe me: 100% beef baloney.

Also, we are chicks, but not the kind of chicks who have written a thesis paper on “Diving the Wreck.” The kind of chicks who don’t sound awkward calling ourselves “chicks.” We’re smart and sassy, but usually uninterested in engaging in the kind of baloney that ends in earnest, humorless lectures about rape culture.

Anyway, enjoy these stories full of kissing and sometimes adventures and mostly vanilla, non-detailed sex. What is with that anyway? Where women who wrote papers on “Diving the Wreck” like to write about guys shouting “Oh, yeah, fuck my asshole!” And don’t even get me started on trying to reappropriate the “P” word. You know the one I mean. That’s gross, and most of the time, that is only said by porn stars who are told to say that after they’ve done a couple rails of coke.

And for Christ's sake, if you're an adult with a shred of dignity, be a little embarrassed about it. 

Sincerely, 
The Board of Directors Emeritus Honorary Comptrollers, Esquire

The Values Inherent in Our Baloney

1. We value diversity in a reasonable number of combinations. We value all fans, except the dummies, freaks, jerks, and weirdos. We value hanging out, and liking different kinds of stuff, and not being all uptight if we get ragged on about some of it, while seeking to avoid getting offended by things unless they are really fucking terrible.

2. We value baloney, and we don't care if dudes or ladies write these made-up stories. My guess is that a majority of the time, ladies like to write stories about making out. But in the end, we value the kissing and the pkew pkew and the maybe they're married in this one? over the fact that ladies wrote it. Lots of dudes turn up in these made-up baloney stories, after all. We wouldn't want to marginalize their voice in the course of celebrating our baloney, would we? We don't want JM Coetzee to feel compelled to write a story about our baloney storage shed from a dude's point of view, do we? I didn't think so.

3. We value originality, in that we value individuals who can express themselves in the course of talking about fandom or tv or comics or Wagner operas without constant use of whatever term-of-the-moment is hot right now, e.g. IDEK or WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN. 

If you quote Firefly more than once a month at this point in the course of expressing delight or disappointment, you shut your mouth. Your baloney has no place here. Devalued. Although we said we valued diversity in #1: learn to speak American or go back to your country of Cutesyfangirlonia.

4. We value the creative process behind baloney, but… you know, be reasonable. If we get the sense that you routinely skip work, weddings, pet feedings, funerals, and other important day-to-day functions and life events in the name of creating baloney… I don’t know, man. We aren’t a not-for-profit founded to provide intervention services, but you may want to look into a hotline. The people at Gamblers Anonymous seem nice.

5. We value making fun of others. It’s not personal, unless it’s one of the rare cases where it is. More than baloney, we value bagging on folks, riffing, and general Dorothy Parker-styled verbal japery and witticisms. Actually, that’s almost as enjoyable as reading and creating baloney.

6. If you have any questions about our mission, or would like to participate in a volunteer capacity, you have probably misunderstood and should maybe re-read all that baloney above.